Apocalypse Soon: 11 Days and Counting

More Zombie Apocalypse. Just saying.

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay

Should the Apocalypse turn out to be a Zombie Apocalypse, here’s a party political broadcast from the Zombie Party. You know it makes sense.

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Countdown to doom: the zombie apocalypse resistance

 

resist the zombie apocalypse… not the zombie olympics… consumers are robots and zombies in the shopping mall (ala george romero orwell). Actually this reminds me of a brilliant little lecture I heard from a world socialism conference on zombies as the working class (working slaves, resurrected from the grave to work some more) and vampires as the ruling class, decadent exploitative aristocracy parasites living on the blood of peasants and sucking victims dry and discarding dessicated corpses in their wake. What then is the “sexual allure”, the vampire thrall that calls young virgins to walk to the cliff’s edge into the cold dead arms of their corporate masters… three bites and you could become infected with the capitalist disease. This is the blood-poisoning madness that convinces the working poor that they are just temporarily embarrassed millionaires, just a lucky break or lottery ticket away from the big time. But Count D’s thralls and underlings never inherit his powers or his fortune, they’re ravening monsters who tear their former loved ones limb from bloody limb because they haven’t learned how to feed/kill/ manage bloodlessly. These petty bougies will be on the front line of the massacre when the torchbearing villagers (Occupy Village/revolution/vigilantee mob/etc) arrive to torch the place. Or kill the vampire vermin and take up residence, take over. (Occupy Castle.) For some reason the villagers forget to check the basement and they go back to their homes and the truly entrenched 1% vampires wait, drink rats when they have to… because they know that the current “awake” generation will forget soon enough, or will grow old, and their daughters will be tired of day labors and collective daycares and some of them will wander off and dream of becoming a Countess rather than going to College. And then the dark lords rise (who never truly fell) and so it goes.

So revolutionaries, remember LOOK IN THE BASEMENT and then tear the place stone from stone.

 

 

Advent calendar of Doom: countdown to oblivion (again)

I keep forgetting that the world is ending. Again.

By way of apology for this forgetfulness… please accept this advent calendar style count down of will she or wont she? Mother nature that is. (Will she bites the dust or bite back or… fill in the blank with apocalypse of your choice.) If the world ends in (insert countdown clock here) however many days will it end in fire? ice? zombie apocalypse?

2012 End of the World Party Invitation

Blog pick of the day (backdated to Dec 2)

Six Reasons Why the World Isn’t Going to End in 19 Days

http://kaitlinring.wordpress.com/2012/12/02/six-reasons-why-the-world-isnt-going-to-end-in-19-days/

spoiler alert: here are her reasons the world won’t be ending

  1. Mayans were no Nostradamuses (er nostradami?)
  2. Taylor Swift is not gluten free or tasty
  3. Rapture.2 still not scary (still, true believers, it is okay to mail me keys to your car and safety deposit boxes cuz you don’t need all that where you are going? right?)
  4. Walking Dead series is a training guide for surviving the zombie apocalypse.
  5. iphones
  6. ignored expiration date on coffee creamer and survived.

It’s all pretty complicated and scientific. Go read it and enjoy.

Today’s pick says we live. Tomorrow’s says we die. I like to be fair that way.

footnote: time isn’t a straight line its wobbly spacy thingy… and blogger time is even wobblier than that. So this advent calendar “begins” on December 2nd (see above) but I started and finished writing this on Dec 7 2012… and you, dear reader, maybe reading this from the relief or rubble of post Dec 31st or in the farflung (or fairly soon) future as part of an alien history class of once great “human” civilizations.

Just because you’re paranoid… it doesn’t mean no one is hiding in your shower

showercurtains

 

three options here:

  • 1) Yell “ TAG you’re it! ” then it’s your turn to hide
  • or
  • 2) do your best indiana jones impression and sneer: “you brought a gun to a knife fight?” Then shoot him between the eyes (or thighs) with that tiny pink girly revolver you keep hidden under the toilet paper cosy
  • or
  • 3) push him and turn on the water. Idiot is standing in slippery tub. Bludgeon him to submission with the wooden end of the toilet plunger while he gets tangled in the shower curtain. Once he’s unconscious get the ax or chainsaw and chop him into manageable pieces. Very considerate to hide a place that makes clean up so easy. Then bury him in the basement with the last killer stupid enough to hide in the bathroom and wait for YOU to come home.

PS Do not skip the dissection stage. Just dragging him downstairs and burying him whole may seem like a timesaver but we’ve all seen how that movie ends.